The final Game Off Article...

                Alright, since I failed to whelm you into submission with my last Movie that deserves a Game tie-in, I’m bringing out the big guns.  I’m here to game and chew bubble gum and I just ran out of bubble gum.

                To begin… Pride and Prejudice was written by Jane Austen in 1813 and tells the story of Elizabeth Be… Oh you don’t care!  Suffice to say it’s long, British - and by British I don’t mean Benny Hill or Monty Python - and your mom likes it.  Since neither of you can read, I suggest you watch the BBC version with Colin Firth, who’s more of a man than anyone of us will ever be.  The vision that is Colin Firth will help set the stage for a little game I like to call…

Mr. Darcy

                The goal of the game of Mr. Darcy is to remain aloof from Elizabeth Bennet by playing cards like, “Turn down Elizabeth’s invitation to dance” or “Open the door as if you did it for Elizabeth but then walk through it yourself” and other things that proper Victorian Gentlemen would do.  With each aloof act you will be wooing Elizabeth away from you and into the arms of another player who is also trying to hide their affections for the lovely Ms. Bennet.  With each successful rebuff you earn Victorian Points (get it?  Victorian Points?  Because its… You don’t get it).  Once all the Victorian Points are collected by the potential suitors the two unique Pride and Prejudice cards selected at the beginning of the game are turned over.  If two of your Victorian Points match you win!  If you have only one matching Victorian Point, than the most aloof bachelor wins… because all women love distant men.  Total play time should be somewhere between six to eight hours.

                The atmosphere around the table should be cordial and polite, but biting remarks should be used whenever a play is made against you.  Such remarks should be without vulgarity; rather they should deride the other player’s character or point out a social failing.  Most games should end prematurely with duels.

                And in one fell swoop I just made a game for not just a movie but also a book.  DOUBLE BAM!  Once you’ve picked yourself off of the floor, changed your shorts, and called your mommy I expect your surrender email, post haste.

-Game Off

Please leave a comment if you would like me to write more!

My second Game Off article, I didn't come up with any game mechanics because I was just going to use Battlestar Galactic and just photoshop the cover. 

               I’m disappointed in the two of you… either you are too foolish to realize you have been bested or you’re gluttons for punishment.  If it’s the latter then prepare to get your fill from a Movie that deserves a Game tie-in called…

FANTASTIC VOYAGE!

FANTASTIC VOYAGE IS A MULTIPLAYER COOP GAME WHERE YOU AND YOUR FELLOW ADVENTURER SCIENTISTS, MINITURIZED TO THE SIZE OF A CELL, RACE THROUGH THE HUMAN BODY TO SAVE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!  RACING AGAINST THE CLOCK AND THE DEFENCES OF THE BODY’S OWN NATURAL DEFENSES YOU’LL DISCOVER WONDERS NEVER SEEN BEFORE BY MAN!  HOWEVER, NOT EVERY ONE OF YOUR INTRIPID BAND SEEKS THE PRESIDENT’S WELL-BEING – A SOVIET SPY IS LURKING AMONST THE CREW WHO WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO SEE THE MISSION FAIL!

SUSPICION, DECEPTION, SUSPENSE… FANTASTIC VOYAGE!

It’s so good it had to be in bold script. The only thing left for me to do now is sit back in my chair, cigar in my hand, and say, “DANG!  I’m good.”  So, I’ll go do that then…

- Game Off

I wrote this for a Game Website some friends and I were going to make... we didn't, but at least I wrote some funny stuff. 

Alright guys, I’m kicking the door down, spry’n and pray’n right off the bat. You shouldn’t even bother trying to one up me because this movie tie-in game will knock your socks off and darned you new ones.

The movie is Red Dawn; and not the new mamby-pamby remake their coming out with, but the original Patrick Swayze masterpiece. If you haven’t seen Red Dawn or don’t remember what its about here’s a link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Dawn) but the long and the short of its is that Red Commies have invaded the heartland of the God-blessed US of A. Our only hope is a ragtag group of highschoolers, armed to the teeth with good old American boomsticks.

To pay homage to such a deserving movie you personally going to need a few things – like two to three friends. To really sell the whole thing two guys need to dress up like our 1980’s heroes, so wear things like faded and torn jeans, a jeans jacket, red head band, and a mullet. Once you’ve dressed the part of a freedom loving Wolverines! you’ll be ready to take back America from the Commies. But what about friend number three you ask, well at least Danny asks because he can count. Well he gets to dress up in olive drab, combat boots, grow a daunting beard, and gets stogie to comp on. Comrade Commie is now ready to stamp out the last vestiges of Democracy.

Now for the game itself, you’ll need a map which you’ll divide into fifteen to twenty sectors in Commie Red (Shaun can use his crayons). On the sides you need to mark off ten boxes, marked 1-5 which will denote a specific hideout for our heroes. Each God-fearing American gets five boxes, marked 1-5, and then a book or something to hide them from the prying eyes of that Commie SOB. For the two Wolverines! players they each get five markers for their freedom fighters; these should be colors like Blue for blue-blooded American or White because it’s not Red. Risk markers work for this. They also each get five markers that indicate weapons. Commie boy get fifty red markers for his troops, he’s to put one on each sector of the map and keep the rest off in reserve, and enough weapons markers to fill each sector of the map plus some extra to spread around. At the top of the board you need a board with ten markers and an American Flag – this represents the forces of freedom, taking the country back one Red corpse at time.

The Wolverines! players roll to see who goes first. Whoever wins get to attack a sector of the map, placing as many weapons markers as they want to use (up to the number of Freedom Fighters they have) in the sector. Ivan Ivanovich rolls a defensive die for each his soldiers in the sector and the Wolverines! rolls an attack die for each weapon used. Whomever has the big number (again have Danny count it or let Shaun use an abacus) wins. If the Wolverines! wins they get to take whatever weapons are in the sector and the Commie soldier dies like the pig-dog that he is. If the Socialist Scumbag wins the weapons used in the attack are taken off the board. The Wolverine! places his freedom fighters or weapons in the hideouts. Wolverines! number two gets to attack and do the same thing.

Now it’s Kremlin Karl’s turn. He gets to put soldiers back onto the board if he wants, but then he gets to attack the hideouts. Placing soldiers on one of the hideout squares for each of the Wolverines! players, two for each player (that makes 4!). If he’s placed soldiers on a square that matches the number of where a Wolverines! has placed weapons or Freedom Fighters then a single weapon or Freedom Fighter is lost. If there is nothing there the American flag at the top of the board moves one spot closer to liberation.

Play ends with the either the unlikely elimination of all the Wolverines! freedom fighters or the cowardly forces of Stalin retreating from the armies of Lady Liberty.

BAM! And that’s how you create a homage to one of Hollywood’s greats.

-Game Off